Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Tuesday Wednesday break my heart...

I love Autumn don't you?
My husband and I often talk about moving to San Francisco. I don't really remember where it started but I have always dreamed of moving to the city by the bay. As I get older I often wonder if I could really trade my East coast roots for the West.
This would mean trading in beautiful changing fall leaves and snowy Christmases. Their is something so magical about being able to experience the four seasons, how does one let that go I wonder?

I know this is a rather strange way to start a post but I've been a bit melancholy these days and I find myself lost in though constantly.
My baby boy is doing wonderfully. He amazes me so. He is so fiercely independent, loves the outdoors and explores everything and anything. Sometimes I wish he would cuddle more with me but I wouldn't trade any of his growing talents for it. He also makes me laugh..all..the..time.
Coming home is such a joy since he always comes running to meet me at the gate when he hears the door open. I joke and call him our third puppy since all three of them greet me with so much enthusiasm it's hard not to laugh.

I wish more and more these days that I could take DH and my little duck far away and just start fresh.
I know I'm living life half heartily and wish to no end that I could snap out of it.
I wish I could talk about the issues DH and I are having but since they have yet to really be resolved I can't.
My marriage is fine, DH and I more than ever have realized we are a team and we are all we have to get through the tough times.
I wish someone could explain to me why this world is so messed up sometimes. I used to take great pride in the fact that I was the girl who always "saw the sun through the dark clouds". My heart breaks for the incredibly horrible situation my DH is going through. I hate seeing my loved ones so hurt.

Aside from what can't be talked about, we learned last month that our oldest puppy was diagnosed with Lymphoma. Let's just say I have never agreed more so than I do now with the saying "when it rains, it pours. Due to the fact that chemo treatments are insanely pricey, we have decided to forgo treatment. That decision did not come lightly as we even had Credit Care increase our borrowing limit. The treatment we were attempting to do would have cost 4k, this is without the testing costs which tacked on another 2k (mind you we did the testing). This might have given us another 6-12 months of life but once out of remission then we would have to pay for another 6k all over again. What is really crazy is that this wasn't even the best chemo treatment, the best one cost about 11k! I just can't get into the logistics of this. I'm so done overthinking everything.

My puppy Jack is barely eight years old. I have no eloquent way of stating my feelings other than this really sucks.
He is currently on prednisone to help fight the lymph cells. I also have him on a special raw food diet I make him to help nourish his body with plenty of fats and proteins while at the same time starving out the cancer cells by eliminating things they thrive on (complex sugars for one). We are just taking it one day at a time and enjoying whatever time we have left. I know he will tell us when he can't go on anymore. My heart hurts thinking about this but I know we are doing the right thing. I just wish I could convince myself of that.

This post is going to seem very confusing and it is not intended as a "woe is me" post. I've realized over the past months that having no one else to talk to other than DH about these things has really taken a toll on me. I just wanted to let it all out as best as I could. When I was in H.S. I kept a diary. I wrote in it often. I also use to write short stories and poetry. I didn't do it with hopes of being a world renowned writer one day. I did it because that's just how I processed the world around me and the experiences that I had. When we moved during the second half of my senior year I lost my diary. I deeply regret losing that diary as it was one of my most treasured possessions. Ever since then I stopped writing. It wasn't until I started this blog that I began to write on my own free will again which is why I turned to it today.

I will eventually go back to coherent writing. I will eventually feel good again. In the meantime thank you for reading my post. I appreciate you allowing me to send my thoughts out to the infinite space known as the web.

Quaking on,