Changes in the air....

Hi everyone!
Just a quick update. I had my nursing visit this past Wednesday where in a nutshell they explained all the tests that I'm responsible for and went through a slew of other information that I can't remember at this time. My mom seemed so confused since she doesn't remember going to the doctor's this often with me. I guess now-a-days pregnancy is a full-time job!

I found out I wasn't going to get another ultrasound that day which confused me since I thought they had to measure the baby. The PA that I met with review the notes she had in her computer and told my DH and I that it was not necessary. Apparently the last time I was there they had been able to see the fetal pole and detect a heartbeat!

Needless to say we were shocked. The technician only mentioned a gestational sac and yolk sac. I could have saved myself two weeks of worry had they... umm... mentioned that before!

Soooo I have more waiting to do. Per their office policy I will get another ultrasound at 20 weeks however since I am doing the NT scan (at a different site) I will actually be able to see the baby in 2-3 weeks. They do the scan between 11-13 weeks.

On another note my place of work seems to be shifting quite a bit these days. Two of our Directors have left and I have a hunch that some people here and there are being promoted. Now I'm pretty sure I'm not being promoted. I've only been at my company for 2 years and even though I manage many projects and such, there are too many people here with more seniority than I. However if a particular co-worker of mine gets promoted like I think she is, then I'm at least getting a new office! woot woot!

However this same co-worker seemed to imply that there could be raises involved for the both of us (she knows more than I do about what’s going on).

A raise would be super considering my DH doesn't finish graduate school until June (right in time for the baby! lol). I hope he is offered a teaching position during his student teaching but with today's job market you never know.

Either way, I get to go home today at 3pm. I was told it's a random drawing thing but I know they have a meeting with my co-worker at 3pm so I have a feeling it’s not so random.

Bright side....I get to go home and nap!

Quaking On,

~JD

“No, this is not the beginning of a new chapter in my life; this is the beginning of a new book! That first book is already closed, ended, and tossed into the seas; this new book is newly opened, has just begun! Look, it is the first page! And it is a beautiful one!”

~C. Joybell

Patience really is a virtue!

Google has become my best friend and my worst enemy.

For those of you still waiting for your little miracle I would recommend two things when that moment comes based on just my personal experience.

1. Wait till at least 8 weeks before scheduling an ultrasound, anything before then is going to worry you for no reason. In many cases if you are losing your baby there is not much anyone can do. Just enjoy the time you get to be pregnant happily with your baby whether its 8 months or 8 hours. Stress doesn't help anyone. (Please be advised that if you are cramping or experiencing bleeding you should call your healthcare provider right away)

2. Be careful in what you Google, because of early testing many soon-to-be mom's automatically think something is wrong if things aren't measuring up to everyone else's standard.

Case in point my ultrasound last Wednesday...

The ultrasound technician found a gestational sac and a yolk sac. She measured me (the yolk sac I believe) at 6.4 weeks not 6.6 weeks and changed my due date to June 1st (Yay! a June baby like its Mommy!)

Although a fetal pole (baby) was not seen yet she didn't seem too worried and just kept saying I'm probably just really early.

I left with a picture. Here is my gestational sac (black round hole) and my yolk sac (the white round thing in the corner). There is something floating above it in all three pictures that looks like a skinny worm. I wonder if it's anything?

Well if you Google what I should be able to see by now you'll find LOADS of women who have seen everything including a heartbeat at 5.5 weeks!

So naturally I start to assume something is wrong with my Ducky. However I do start to read other things that make sense. For example ovulation and implantation times for everyone can be off. Even measuring 2 weeks behind can be normal. The heartbeat is usually found around 7-8 weeks. Any growth before 9 weeks can be different for every woman.

The reason I was even becoming concern is due to the fact that my HCG levels started off on the low side (even though women with lower betas can have healthy babies) and that my pregnancy symptoms are on the mild side.

My new mantra every morning now is EVERY PREGNANCY IS DIFFERENT........

So I continue to wait, pray and enjoy every moment of the day with this little one.

I have my first nursing visit on Oct 24th where they will go through all my blood work, tell me what to expect on this journey and hopefully give me another ultrasound to measure the baby and tell me if my due date is accurate.

Well on another note, this Friday I go up to Vermont to tell DH's immediate family (mom, stepdad, sister and brother) about the good news! We went on vacation in July and still haven't given them their souvenirs. It will throw them off guard since I plan to give his mom a book as well. His mom has been collecting children's books for quite some time now so she has a mini library of books to read to her future grandchildren (yeah pressure much?).

So I found this little treasure of a book :)

Inside we wrote this:

I do not have a face to see,
Or put inside a frame.
I do not have soft cheeks to kiss,
I don't yet have a name.
You can't yet hold my tiny hands,
'Nor whisper in my ear.
It's still too soon to sing a song,
or cuddle me so near.
But all will change come June 1st
That’s when they say I'm due.
I'm your new grandchild
I can't wait to meet you.
All I ask between now and then
Is your patience while I grow.
I promise I'll be worth the wait,
Because of all the love we'll know.

I found the little poem online. I cannot wait to see his mom freak out!

 Quaking on,

~JD

6 weeks!

It feels like forever since I last updated my blog. However these days’ time passes more slowly than usual.
It's been two weeks since I've found out I'm pregnant and like I told my husband this morning, they have been the best two weeks of my life.
This whole experience has been very new to me since I have never been pregnant before. It's amazing how much time I devoted to learning everything I could about trying to conceive that when I actually did I realized I didn't know the first thing about being pregnant!

I had a regular pap smear appointment when I was 4.5 weeks along. My OBGYN did a urine test that came up positive. They also did a transvaginal ultrasound but did not see anything. This makes sense since I was so newly pregnant I didn't think they would see anything. They also took blood from me to test my betas. That day my beta level was 330 and then a little less than 48 hours later it was 741 at 5 weeks. My levels are rising which is good. I feel like I'm on the lower end of the beta numbers but as long as they are doubling I'm not concerned. I am determine to give this baby an anxiety free zone.

The way I see it God has given me a great gift and I will accept whatever he throws my way good or bad.

I have another ultrasound appointment next Wednesday at 6.6 weeks. Once HCG levels are in the 1500 to 2000 range you can see a gestational sac. I'm pretty sure I have a late implanter in here so I may actually not be as far along as I think. I have learn that depending how far along you are you can see a gestational sac, yolk sac, fetal pole, baby and heartbeat anywhere from 6-8 weeks. I hope to see anything at this point!

My symptoms haven't been very severe since finding out. My breasts have retained a constant tender feeling and some days are better than others. I'm bloated often and as of recently I've been very tired. No morning sickness which can be normal. Sometimes women get morning sickness in the 7 or 8 week or never at all. I would be very happy never getting any morning sickness :)

I've shared the news with a handful of people. My mom, aunt and best friend all know. We are planning to go to see my DH's parents the week after our ultrasound which works since hopefully I'll have a little picture to show them. I know his mom is going to FREAK! Since she has been waiting to become a grandmother for a long time now. This of course brings up another issue that I am dreading to face with his brother and his wife but I'll save that story for another entry.

And I though the 2ww was terrible, next Wednesday can't come soon enough....

Happily Quaking on,
~JD

Womb-mate Found!!!!

I still can't believe it. I really can't.
Yesterday I found out that I am PREGNANT!!!!!
I can’t even think straight.
Ok so here is what happened…

Wednesday night I had spoken with my DH about moving our 1^st IUI for October. I was expecting some resistance but there was none. He was on board and I could not wait for Friday to come any faster so I could get AF and schedule our IUI.

Well yesterday morning my temperature was still climbing up which is very unusual for 14dpo (for me). However I have been having some restless nights of sleep which is why I didn’t think much of it. I still decided to test just to check. I pulled out a cheap wondfo test and began. Within 2-3 minutes  a line appeared. It was faint but not-squinting your eyes faint. I still though, “great another indent” so I pulled yet another wondfo and tested with that one. Once again, another line appeared.

I frantically started searching for my FRER which I could not find (worst possible moment) so I hid my little cup of pee under the sink and without even changing or looking at myself in the mirror I ran out the door and to CVS I flew!

I bought a box of FRER’s and a Digital Clearblue. I managed to lock myself out of the house so I had to wake up my DH to let me in. I told him I had gone out to buy pads. He bought it.
As soon as he went back to the bedroom I went straight for the bathroom, I was on a mission!

Positive FRER……Pregnant says Clearblue….

Can this be real? I begin to cry. I can’t remember the last time I cried of pure joy. I’ve never understood people who cry when they're happy. Until yesterday…..”Oh I believe in yesterday”

All my plans went out the window. I thought about how I wanted to tell DH at the 49ners game next Sunday. Oh my God! But how could I wait 10 days? Nope, not happening.
I walked into the bedroom and said to him “Baby we won’t be able to do IUI this month” in the saddest voice I could manage.
He looked at me curiously “Why?”
“Because I don’t think they perform IUI’s on pregnant women! I’m pregnant, I’m pregnant!”
I began to sob again, he was speechless and I pulled him into the bathroom to show him all 3 tests. We hugged as I continued to sob. It was surreal.
I also presented him with the onesie that I’ve had for 3 years in my closet. I bought it the first time I thought I was pregnant. We weren’t married then and children weren’t on my mind but I was late (this is before I learned so much about this process) and I wanted to give him something.
I practically shoved that onesie in his face, I was so glad I could finally show him!

We didn’t talk to much that morning since I think we were both taking it in. Later that evening we both shared how unfocused we were at work, how we wish we could tell all the people we love right now and how my DH no longer wants to be surprised, he wants to know the sex of the baby, lol

I have a doctor’s appointment this upcoming Tuesday. Luckily I have a pap smear coming up and they don’t mind taking me early. I am only 4 weeks along. I hope and I pray every day for this little ducky to stick with all its might.

Cautiously but Happily Quaking On,

~JD

12dpo.....BFI

So here is my update on this Soy Isoflavones adventure...
12dpo, toss and turned this morning before waking up and wound up taking my temperature a half hour earlier than I normally do. I only mention this because my temperature was unusually high for 12dpo making my chart look way too promising.
This morning I grab a cheapy wondfo test since I have a bunch and I don't want to use my last FRER yet.
So what were the results you’re wondering? A BIG FAT INDENT that appeared within the allotted time period.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

At least this time I know what it is and am NOT getting my hopes up in the least bit. I also will not be submitting it for a tweak just to have someone draw a heart over it and call it a BFP (that was so freaking heartbreaking)

I understand it’s not over until AF comes so I promise to keep some hope alive (she says ever so sarcastically) but I just don’t think this is my month. I will test again on Friday since that is when AF is supposed to begin. I figured if it’s positive then YIPPEEE! and if it’s negative…well than at least its Friday.

As for symptoms. I don’t have anything out of the usual. My breasts are still tender which I believe by now they shouldn’t be however I am on Soy so anything goes this month. I just hope that I don’t get a super heavy AF.

I don’t know if it is the sensitive nature I am in right now but for the past 2 days I have been wanting to convince my DH to just do the IUI in October. I swear I have been as patient as I can be during this journey but I think it finally happened. I have snapped. I want it NOW, I want to be pregnant NOW, I want to make my mom and my mom-in law grandmothers NOW, I want to make my DH a father NOW….NOW, NOW, NOW.
I thought about this a lot yesterday. I came to this conclusion. If we start in December I am going to be doing something horrible to myself. You see I love Christmas. That is an understatement. I am CRAZY FOR CHRISTMAS TO THE INFINITY POWER. I’m a hopeful but logical person and I know that there is a very good possibility of an IUI not working the first time around. So the idea of getting a BFN after a medicated cycle WITH medical assistance on Christmas (with my luck it will probably be around then) I will be more than your average “not this month sadness”. I will be DESTROYED!
If I start in October, it will be the normal sadness. I love Halloween but it wouldn’t be the same.
I’ve asked my DH about it before. He wasn’t completely opposed but not completely on board. He really wants an August baby but I can’t guarantee it will take in December anyways.
Hmmm I’ve got a lot of thinking to do…

My DH's Birthday Goals

Hello!
It’s been awhile since I have posted so please forgive me.
September is a very busy month in a University's academic calendar year and I have been working non-stop! Seriously is it Christmas yet?
So my DH's birthday was this past Monday. I made dinner, we went to try out some pumpkin ales and had a jolly good time overall.
Later in the evening before bed we were talking about this new year for him and he decided he was going to write goals to accomplish before he turns 29 next year. At first he did 5 but thought it would be much more challenging to do 28. We had so much fun writing it and I can't wait to see him complete them.
Now he did write down (all on his own accord) "Father a child". I made him add "with first wife" since I don't need any "surprises". You have heard of the phrase "careful what you wish for?" lol.
After we went to bed I started thinking, what if we can't accomplish that within a year? I mean hell it’s already been more than a year now and both him and I don't need that kind of pressure.
I don't want him to remove it because I like it when he and I are on board with this TTC adventure together and I am already very aware that there are couples out there that aren't.
So I wrote an extra goal for him (without him knowing) and placed it inside our hope chest. This way if that one doesn't get accomplished he still would have completed 28 goals. Ain’t I clever?

What's the goal you may ask? Simple really....."Be the best husband ever"....honestly, he could never fail with that one. :)

Quacking on,
  ~JD

A Girl, A Dream and her Soy Isoflavones

Hello all in Cyberland!
So were did we leave off?
Ah yes, Cycle # 15.
Currently I am on CD7 and decided that this month I would be courageous and try Soy Isoflavones. After much research and internal debate I decided at least 1 round of this would be the most I would be willing to try. They are not technically recommend for those who ovulate on their own however many women still take them who do. Especially those who ovulate later in the month and want to move up there ovulation date (ahem...me).
Soy Isoflavones are considered a "natural" form of the drug called Clomid which is an ovulation inducing drug. You take them for 5 days in your cycle. You can do CD 1-5, 3-7 or 5-9.
Taking them starting the day after CD 5 is not recommend as it can harm more than help your fertility. Those who take Soy Isoflavones early (CD 1-5) usually ovulate earlier and have higher chances for multiple eggs to be released. CD5-9 tend to produce a stonger more mature egg and those doing it CD3-7 get a bit of both worlds. I have opted to take Soy Isoflavones during CD 3-7. Today is my last day, woohoo!
Now my hope is to produce a nice strong mature egg since I clearly produced no egg last month. I have heard many sucess stories for those who used Soy Isoflavones so I am really hoping this is my month.
I will be put on Clomid in December for my IUI (if it gets to that point) so why not try this out?
My dosage so far has been 80mg, 120mg, 120mg, 160mg and today will be 200mg. I have read by increasing the dosage towards the end it will force out ovulation. However anyone can play with the dosage, some recommend you start out with 80mg for all 5 days. Try what works for you.
I have held off as long as I could with feritility type drugs for one reason and one reason alone.
I DO NOT WANT TWINS!
I get it, their cute and everyone gets excited for it but I'll be honest with you.....not for me.
Most people don't get it, its 2! twice the joy, love and all that good stuff but also...twice the crying, feeding, diapers, lack of sleep, etc....
If it happens, it happens but no one can say I didn't hold out long enough to make sure it doesn't happen.

As for side effects, I can't complain. I take them after I have eaten so I don't experience much. I've had 1 or 2 mini hotflashes and had a little bit of a headache the other night but that is pretty much it. I have notice a little bit of a rash on my neck. It isn't severve but I can't be sure if its related to the Soy Iso's.

In 3 days time I will be starting with my OPK's again and getting "busy", can't wait!!!

Quacking on,
~JD

Pregnant for a day..

Last Tuesday I experienced my very first evaporation line on a pregnancy test. For those of you who do not know what this is I'll explain. It is a HORRIBLE, CRUEL JOKE! It is a super faint line that appears on a pregnancy test that is almost greyish in color. I immediately rushed over to the "Tweakers Board" a board on the Baby Center forums that is dedicated to taking your tests and "tweaking" them to see if in fact you really are seeing a line on the test or not. You see there are some of us (ahem..MANY of us) that stare at these tests until we go crosseyed for even the faintest of lines that would give us hope. A lot of these test are faint because we test early...like 9dpo early. Most sane people, pregnancy boxes and websites will tell you not to test until the first day of your missed period...but we are not sane now are we?
They "tweaked" it. It was beautiful. Everyone was convinced it was a real BFP.

The point of this short little post of mine is that even though I managed to keep myself level-headed (shock!) I won't lie, I was in a state of blissful and utter happiness. I was singing while cooking, catering to the needs of my husband and every now and again rubing my belly. I drove extra careful on my way home, I turned on my Pandora station to Brad Paisley and what was the first song? "Anything like me"....I love this song so freaking much it hurts to listen to it sometimes.
So it is no surprise that later that night and the next morning when I tested again I received 2 test that were BFN.....
Still I had some hope I was only 11dpo.
AF came yesterday........kick in the nuts if I had any.

So now I'm CD2 coming from a cycle that was 27 days long (short for me), possibly no ovulation and if I did ovualte it is with an LP of 11 days which just seems bad.....onward we march.

Quacking on,
~JD

Learn Chinese!

Last Thursday was our follow-up appointment with the R.E. 

I would be lying if I told you I wasn't nervous. In fact I was shit-bat crazed with nervousness (that's a phrase right?) but on the plus side I knew that we were finally at the point that we could discuss how to put a baby in me!

I sat down in the chair right across from the Doc and held my breath...

He doesn't get right to what I want to know. Instead he goes through my HSG pictures telling me that no blockage was found and that the tubes look normal. I also get to see a random shot of my uterus surrounded by my hip bones and the tale end of my spine (I looked really skinny in case you were wondering). He proceeds to tell me that my hormone levels are normal and they even tested my FSH reserve which contained normal levels as well. Great!.....and?

Well then he turns to my husband and informs him that he has about 42 million sperm (anything above 20 is normal) with 76% motility (anything above 50% is normal). Great!...and?

Congratulations you have unexplained infertility! come on down....

I never hated the word "normal" so much in my life at this point. So there is nothing wrong with our "special" parts. We have been trying for over a year which means our fertility rate is just going to go down from now on (don't really get that one) so I'm just going to have a really hard time getting pregnant naturally if at all. Great...

I won't lie it took everything in my power to hold in the tears I wanted to shed but I had to go to work right afterwards and I couldn't walk into work looking like someone had just shot my dog.

He recommend IUI (artificial insemination) with Clomid (a drug that induces ovulation). I asked him if he wanted to put me on Clomid now. He said it was not necessary since I ovulate on my own. He then proceeded to explain that Clomid will be used with the IUI because the chances of a sucessful insementation are slightly higher than doing an IUI without it. I wasn't going to argue with the man, he is the doctor afterall.

So my DH and I have discussed the topic of when it will be right for us to actually proceed with technological help. I guess neither one of us though we would end up on this road. Realistically as soon as this cycle is over I could do it but I don't want to. I'm still processing all of this. We decided it would be better in December. In the meantime I can really get my butt into shape so I can get to a pre-baby weight that I'd prefer since I'm overweight as it is now.

I was able to ask our R.E. if the HSG messed with my cycles. He didn't think so...(sigh)

I'm still not a 100% I ovulated this cycle. Today is CD24 and on Research Mode with dotted lines I'm 8dpo. So as you can see Fertility Friend is trying desperately to figure me out. My R.E. sort of disregarded the fact that I was worried about this. He explained this by saying that because I have a regular period each month and that I got a + on OPK's this month that I more than likely ovulated. I couldn't respect his nonchalant attitude about this but I dropped it. I actually read that women with normal cycles will have 10% percent of their cycles as anovulatory in their lifetime. I'm slowing coming to terms with this. I just wish I hadn't chosen this month to do the SMEP (slaps forehead).

Well with the way my day started I didn't expect it to end well but it did. I had a good day at work, enjoyed chit-chatting with my newly pregnant co-worker about how she swears she can see a penis on her sonogram. She is 15 weeks and I'm VERY happy for her. We got engaged a month apart and had our weddings a year later a month apart so we have grown very close. She actually has PCOS so see good things do happen!

What really pulled my day together was my Chinese food. I'm not a big fan of Chinese food but I do crave it when I'm in a sad mood. I decided to open my fortune cookie a few hours later. This is what I saw first.........

I actually had a good laugh for some odd reason... but then I turned it over and I saw this....(below)

I couldn't describe the feeling of relief that washed over me. Sometimes when we are at our lowest I truly believe God finds a way to send us little messages of hope to remind us we are not alone and that he is always with us. After all, with Him everything is possible!

              


                        Have a blessed week!
                                   -JD

Fuck me....

Author's Note: I want to apologize in advance about the possible insensitivity that may come across in my post. Please understand that it is in no way meant. I know their are so many good women out there who have worse infertility problems then I do. I really just needed to release emotions that I rarely get to release.

I cannot begin to explain the amount of fury I'm feeling right now. 

My temperature this morning went down to 96.9 and no ovulation has been detected yet. Yesterday on Research mode Fertility Friend had me with an ovulation day of CD16. It is CD20 and they have been going all over the place that it is impossible to tell even on Research mode!

I want to scream, cry, throw things and have at least 5 margaritas right now.....

I have been temping since March and I always ovulate. I have regular periods with cycles ranging from 28-32 days. Is this really going to be the month I don't ovulate? After all the work WE put in!

I timed everything perfectly....

and there is a chance I might not even ovulate.

I though HSG's were suppose to help women. Now I wish I never have had one. Last months cycle I ovulated soooo late and who knows what the hell is happening this month. 

I guess there is truth to you shouldn't fix what isn't broken.

I think I'm going to try Soy Iso Flaves next cycle. I spent too many years of my life avoiding birth control and any medicines that could potentially alter or hurt my chances of conception one day and for what?

I have nothing to lose....

I have my follow-up appointment tommorow at 10am to discuss the results of all our combined testing. I have a few words for my R.E.

Can't fucking wait...

I would like to leave you all with a quote. Since I am usually the person who sees the sun even through the darkest skies I don't want to leave you with my gloomy, depressing mood (even though the best of us have our days)

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”

― Winston Churchill