7 weeks, 4 days

Just a mini update!
I decided to see my regular OB and scheduled an appointment last week. I wanted to first talk to him about my decision for a VBAC rather than assume he won't do it.
He did say that he performs a handful of them each year, went through the pros and cons with me and let me know I would just have to sign a consent form. I decided I would stay with him but I am considering getting a Doula as I think my chances for a successful VBAC would be greater if I had the right support. I will post more on this at a later date.

Now for the fun part, Meet little "Cookie"!

It was so much easier finding this one than it was my Ducky. Not getting an ultrasound at just under 5 weeks probably helped. The technician just pop the old robot stick in me and withing seconds I was going "Oh there it is!! and there is the heartbeat!!" (Yep I'm a pro at this now)

I did confuse the yolk sac for the head though, so I still have some learning to do. :)



I tried showing my little guy that it was his baby brother or sister on the screen. He did look but definiely didn't understand what I was telling him. Should have said something to him more along the lines of "Hey that is the new kid that is going to just through your world upside down" LOL.

I do hope my kids are close though, it would be nice. I'm not a big fan of my own brother but I get along with my sisters well. So who knows?

We are planning on telling my mom and some family Christmas Day. I will be 8 weeks. We will also be skyping Christmas morning with DH's mom and other members of the houshold to let them know. We have a really big issue with DH's family right now which makes this such a strained time to announce something like this but in a strange way it will help keep our "cover" on the issue untill it's time to address it.

For now I just want to wish all my readers a very MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Happily Crumbling on,
 ~JD

New Wombmate! Baby #2!

Yep you read that right.
I am pregnant...again!

I don't even know how and I can tell you it wasn't planned at all.

Ok, so unlike my first TTC adventure, I wasn't doing nearly half the stuff that I was doing for my little ducky. Right around Henry's 8 month or so, DH and I stop using condoms since we figured what's the point? took a while the first time anyways.
I've used my FF app to track my periods and occasionally when we DTD. That is literally all I've been doing. No BBT, no OPT's, no pre-seed, no soy..zip..nada.
Also our sex life is definitely not what it was like before we had Henry. This past month I can tell you we had sex exactly twice. Once on CD10 and the other on CD23.
I still can't figure it out.

I started getting suspicious when my period was literally due in the next day or so and my breast were feeling very tender still. By now the tenderness would have subsided. I have only had constant breast soreness once before and that was during my 1st pregnancy.
I was going to wait a bit longer to be sure but I couldn't help myself. Away to CVS I flew! this time I did not lock myself out of the house :)

This was Monday. Monday night I decorated a Christmas cookie for DH that said "I'm Preggo!" While we sat and watched our Christmas tree and drank our hot chocolate, I gave him his cookie.
His reaction you ask? laughter...a lot of laughter. From both of us. It was a mix of "how in the world?" laughter and "omg how are we going to do this?" laughter.
We are for the record over the moon with joy. It still hasn't fully set in that we will be having 2 kids only 2 years apart. Yes, I am incredibly nervous too.

I'm switching OB's yet again for many reasons but mostly because I want to delivery at a different hospital and I would like an OB who supports VBACS. I have my first appointment on Jan 6th. I'll be about 8 weeks along or so. It feels like forever away! I hope I don't go nuts, lol.

All I have to say is take that RE!! (because I know you like totally read my blog)

Our little "cookie" according to my app is due Aug 2015.

Happily Crumbling On,
     ~JD


*Trigger*
I want to just update my readers real quick. On Nov 4th, 2014 we lost our puppy Jack to his cancer. He was our first puppy and first real pet loss. I can not begin to describe how painful the decision was to let him go but he was not himself anymore. He never showed he was in pain, not until that last day with him when we knew it was time. I will always miss you my sweet baby boy. May you rest in peace until the day we meet again on the Rainbow Bridge.

Tuesday Wednesday break my heart...

I love Autumn don't you?
My husband and I often talk about moving to San Francisco. I don't really remember where it started but I have always dreamed of moving to the city by the bay. As I get older I often wonder if I could really trade my East coast roots for the West.
This would mean trading in beautiful changing fall leaves and snowy Christmases. Their is something so magical about being able to experience the four seasons, how does one let that go I wonder?

I know this is a rather strange way to start a post but I've been a bit melancholy these days and I find myself lost in though constantly.
My baby boy is doing wonderfully. He amazes me so. He is so fiercely independent, loves the outdoors and explores everything and anything. Sometimes I wish he would cuddle more with me but I wouldn't trade any of his growing talents for it. He also makes me laugh..all..the..time.
Coming home is such a joy since he always comes running to meet me at the gate when he hears the door open. I joke and call him our third puppy since all three of them greet me with so much enthusiasm it's hard not to laugh.

I wish more and more these days that I could take DH and my little duck far away and just start fresh.
I know I'm living life half heartily and wish to no end that I could snap out of it.
I wish I could talk about the issues DH and I are having but since they have yet to really be resolved I can't.
My marriage is fine, DH and I more than ever have realized we are a team and we are all we have to get through the tough times.
I wish someone could explain to me why this world is so messed up sometimes. I used to take great pride in the fact that I was the girl who always "saw the sun through the dark clouds". My heart breaks for the incredibly horrible situation my DH is going through. I hate seeing my loved ones so hurt.

Aside from what can't be talked about, we learned last month that our oldest puppy was diagnosed with Lymphoma. Let's just say I have never agreed more so than I do now with the saying "when it rains, it pours. Due to the fact that chemo treatments are insanely pricey, we have decided to forgo treatment. That decision did not come lightly as we even had Credit Care increase our borrowing limit. The treatment we were attempting to do would have cost 4k, this is without the testing costs which tacked on another 2k (mind you we did the testing). This might have given us another 6-12 months of life but once out of remission then we would have to pay for another 6k all over again. What is really crazy is that this wasn't even the best chemo treatment, the best one cost about 11k! I just can't get into the logistics of this. I'm so done overthinking everything.

My puppy Jack is barely eight years old. I have no eloquent way of stating my feelings other than this really sucks.
He is currently on prednisone to help fight the lymph cells. I also have him on a special raw food diet I make him to help nourish his body with plenty of fats and proteins while at the same time starving out the cancer cells by eliminating things they thrive on (complex sugars for one). We are just taking it one day at a time and enjoying whatever time we have left. I know he will tell us when he can't go on anymore. My heart hurts thinking about this but I know we are doing the right thing. I just wish I could convince myself of that.

This post is going to seem very confusing and it is not intended as a "woe is me" post. I've realized over the past months that having no one else to talk to other than DH about these things has really taken a toll on me. I just wanted to let it all out as best as I could. When I was in H.S. I kept a diary. I wrote in it often. I also use to write short stories and poetry. I didn't do it with hopes of being a world renowned writer one day. I did it because that's just how I processed the world around me and the experiences that I had. When we moved during the second half of my senior year I lost my diary. I deeply regret losing that diary as it was one of my most treasured possessions. Ever since then I stopped writing. It wasn't until I started this blog that I began to write on my own free will again which is why I turned to it today.

I will eventually go back to coherent writing. I will eventually feel good again. In the meantime thank you for reading my post. I appreciate you allowing me to send my thoughts out to the infinite space known as the web.

Quaking on,
  ~JD



If I could save time in a bottle...

Hi Folks!

Can I be cliché for a moment and say “where has this year gone?”  

Seriously, I can’t figure it out. I was happily sitting on my couch last year at this time watching Rachel Ray with a baby on my boob. Now somehow my little baby is considered a toddler?? When did that happen? Did you know the BabyCenter app ends after 1 year? Every day I would get all kinds of updates and milestones to look for, etc. Then the kid turns one and the app just goes “Good luck, you’re on your own now.” I feel some abandoning issues coming on.

Life with a toddler is a whole new ball game. He isn’t completely walking on his own yet but he is ALL OVER THE PLACE! I need to move soon, our apartment feels too small these days. He has more clothes than I know what to do with but somehow manages to grow out of them before my wallet can replenish itself. And the toys, don’t get me started on the toys.

He is such a little hoot and a joy to watch grow. It’s a bittersweet process since part of me wants him to be a squishy little newborn again and the other part wants to see him grow & learn.

Things he can do currently=Fast crawler, claps, waves bye bye (said it once!), says "Mama" and "Dada", dances, gives high fives, stands on his own, crusies furniture with ease. Took about 9 steps on his own and throws tantrums among many other things. He is also growing up bilingual so more words probably won't come along for a little while longer.

We had his 1 year doctor’s appointment. He is currently at 31inches and 25lbs, thus leaving him in about the 85 percentile for both height and weight for his age.


If any of you are wondering what the future may bring, DH and I have not fully decided what we would like. We know we would like more children and close in age is a plus however I have not reverted to my old ways yet. Perhaps I have accepted that I’m ok if it’s just Henry. We are not preventing at this point yet I am NOT tracking anything, timing anything or taking anything. I believe that is called actively trying to conceive (ATTC). I don’t know if I will do that again. I get a touch of baby fever from time to time but it’s not like before. I will be honest with you, I like this state of calmness I’m under. There were times when we were ATTC that I just felt angry all the time. I don’t know how women who go through infertility for years do it. Looking back now, 15 months wasn’t too long of a time (even though it felt like an eternity).  I guess I’m just going to take things as naturally as possible.

One last side note, my DH has finished his Masters in teaching and has passed his certification (Yay!) I’m so proud and excited for this next stage in his life. He is an amazing husband, friend and father. Henry and I are so lucky to have him!

 

Happily Quacking on,

~JD